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Understanding Grief and Mourning
There is much misunderstanding about grief and mourning.
Does this example sound familiar? Two months after the loss of her husband of many years, Beth was told by her family and friends that “it’s time to get on with the rest of your life.” These people thought they were being helpful. Little did they know that the reality of her husband’s death was just beginning to hit her.
As a result of this kind of misunderstanding, grieving people often feel even more alone.
Additionally, grievers may assume that something is wrong because their reactions are different than expected, or because their grief is different from the grief of another.
This information is provided to
help you understand the grief and mourning process, and to hopefully relieve some of the added burden of worrying whether you are doing it right, fast enough, and so on.
The Trauma and Loss Program
…..Jill’s 22 year-old son committed suicide six months ago. She is having trouble functioning at work and has become isolated from remaining family and
friends. She cannot sleep without medication, and she frequently experiences intrusive images of her son’s death. She blames herself, and no one can convince her that his death was not her fault.
…..Dan’s
wife was killed in a shooting while they were on vacation. He feels as if a part of him died too. He has panic attacks, frequent nightmares, and he startles easily. Dan has flashbacks and replays
images of the shooting over and over in his mind. He is extremely disturbed by his constants fantasies of revenge, as it conflicts with his prior image of himself as a gentle, peaceful person.
These stories were made-up to help demonstrate the struggle people have when they have lost someone to homicide, suicide, or accident. People who have these types of
losses go through the same process of grief and mourning that accompanies any major loss. With unnatural death, however, the process can be complicated by trauma, as well as by extreme guilt and/or anger.
Hospice of Volusia/Flagler offers a bereavement program that addresses the special needs of people after a violent death.
The Trauma and Loss Program offers individual, family, and group services to adults and children in Volusia and Flagler counties who have had a homicide, suicide, or accidental loss. While there is no charge for services at the present time, we greatly appreciate donations. For information go to Support Groups or call 386-258-3237
Some Differences for Mourners When a Death is Unnatural
The loss of a beloved family member or friend is always painful, no matter what the circumstances. However, there are some distinct differences between
grief and mourning following a natural death and those resulting from an unnatural death.
For example, when someone dies a natural death, even when it is sudden and unanticipated as with a heart attack
or stroke, loved ones can usually come to understand the cause and nature of the death. They will likely be given an explanation of what went wrong with their loved one’s body and why he or she could not be
saved. It is an explanation that normally makes sense.
This is not the case when a death is unnatural
(homicide, suicide or accident). While loved ones may have had questions answered in a logical manner by victim advocates, police officers, etc., none of the answers are “good enough”. This type of death is impossible to understand because it is injurious and violent, and because it involves a deliberate (or negligent) taking of life. This is experienced as a profound violation to surviving loved ones and friends.
Reliving the death scene, even when the death was not directly witnessed, is common to survivors of unnatural death. This can occur through dreams, flashbacks, or a replaying of images or fantasies of
rescue, regret, and revenge. Sometimes, due to the very nature of trauma, people experience a shut down in their basic information processing. As a result, these traumatic images can get “locked” in the
brain and nervous system. When this occurs, it is helpful to find a trained professional who can help the survivor reprocess and integrate these traumatic images.
What is Traumatic Imagery?
Misconception: After a trauma, the flashbacks, intrusive images, and nightmares never go away.
People just have to learn to live with them.
Fact: While people do not forget the details of a traumatic event; flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive images can eventually be let go either naturally
or with trauma counseling.
Some extremely effective counseling tools that can eliminate trauma symptoms, include Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and Neuro-Linguistic Processing. When
seeking help with traumatic stress symptoms, be sure to look for a counselor with expertise in traumatology.
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